Sorry, you need to enable JavaScript to visit this website.
Skip to content

Supporting non-violence

Violent behavior is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. If you give up violent behavior, it will positively change your life and the lives of your loved ones. Contact the helpline at 660 6077 or email [email protected] for help already today

Conflict is natural, but violence is not!

Conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of life. Most people feel dissatisfaction, frustration, or anger towards their partner at some point. However, violent behavior is a choice that harms both you and the people around you. Violence is characterized by the fact that the other person is afraid of your behavior and the accompanying pain.

Healthy disagreements in a relationship are one thing; violence and control are another. If your partner feels too intimidated, threatened, or afraid to say something, the balance of power is unequal.

Many couples have problems, but equal discussion on any topic becomes impossible when one partner is abusive and controlling. Stopping the violence and control is the first step towards a happier and safer relationship.

Acknowledging the use of violence and control and taking responsibility for your past and future actions is a difficult but very important step towards change.

Ask yourself: have I ever...
  • insulted or yelled at my partner?
  • yelled at my partner so they would cooperate?
  • made my partner feel stupid for expressing their thoughts or feelings?
  • tried to prevent my partner from doing something they wanted to do (e.g., wearing certain clothes, going out with friends, going to work or school);
  • forbidden my partner to spend money on themselves? 
  • hit or pushed my partner or children, or threatened to do so? 
  • threw something (e.g., chairs or dishes or glasses) in front of my partner or children?
  • accused my partner of paying too much attention to someone else?
  • forced my partner to have sex when they didn't want to?
  • stalked or tracked my partner without their knowledge?
  • threatened to hurt my partner's pet?
  • checked on my partner's behavior online, e.g., read their emails, with or without their knowledge, checked the web pages they have been viewing?
  • checked my partner's location without their knowledge by positioning their phone?
  • checked my partner's activities (constantly calling or texting or at odd hours)?
  • abused my children by insulting them or physically hurting them?
  • scared my partner or children?
  • threatened to kill myself (e.g., if the partner wants to end the relationship)?
  • threatened to kill my partner or someone close to them?

All couples have conflicts and disagreements at times, but the actions described above are signs of an unhealthy relationship. These are acts of violence and control.

If you have behaved in this way towards your current or previous partner or children, or you fear that this may happen to your future partner, we recommend that you contact counselors who support non-violence

Five reasons to change

1. Changing violent behavior will make you feel better about yourself and have a more positive outlook on life. By learning where your destructive actions come from, you will gain a better understanding of your personality and emotions.

2. Changing violent behavior will significantly improve your relationship with your (ex) partner. Studies have shown that the quality of the relationship directly affects your well-being. And while you may not be able to save the love and trust in your current relationship, your future relationships will benefit incredibly from the work you do to change your behavior.

3. Changing violent behavior will make you a better parent. You may think you're a good parent already, but even indirect violence harms children in a million unseen ways. Only by changing your behavior can you start a healthy and respectful relationship with your child.

4. Changing violent behavior will make your partner's life better. Domestic violence has an incredibly negative impact on a woman's life. Although each woman experiences violence differently, victims have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, low self-esteem, chronic pain, and insomnia, among other things.

5. Domestic violence is against the law. If you do not change, there is a very high probability that your actions will have legal consequences. Some abusers kill their partners - is life in prison really worth it? 

Whay is change difficult?

Just as the escalation of violent behavior is a long process, recovery from it is often time-consuming. The important thing is that you can make the decision and take responsibility right now. This does not mean that you are not allowed to feel angry or frustrated - but you now have a choice of how to deal with these feelings safely.

It helps if you understand that your behavior is your choice. Blaming others for your actions helps no one. Making the decision to change behavior is critical. To make it easier to maintain safe and nonviolent behavior, it's always worth seeking help.

There are many convenient excuses for violent behavior.

  • Do you feel that your partner is provoking you, so they are to blame? Ask yourself: Why do you choose to respond with violence to situations that can be resolved in other ways?
  • Blaming alcohol or drugs may make sense to you, but ask yourself: does everyone become violent when they drink? Why do you keep drinking when you know you're hurting your partner?
  • You may think that you are simply losing control and unable not to use violence. Ask yourself: do you become violent in situations outside of your family?
  • Do you lose control when you know it will have serious consequences for you? Do you just repeat the violence you experienced growing up? Ask yourself: why do you want to hurt your family the way you were hurt as a child? Can you be a better parent and partner?

Excuses, blaming your partner, and minimizing the violence are like walls that prevent change. Taking responsibility means finding strength and courage in yourself by honestly admitting that you hurt the people close to you - it's hard but worth it.

Acknowledging the use of violence and control and taking responsibility for your past and future actions is a difficult but very important step towards change.

What to expect from non-violence support?

Our aim is to prevent the recurrence of violence and to ensure the safety and support of the victim.

What do non-violence counselors offer?

  • A safe and non-judgmental hearing where you can talk about your experience;
  • Skills to prevent violent behavior;
  • The opportunity to make changes that will help you improve your relationship with your family;
  • An environment to understand what makes you react violently;
  • Help to understand the impact of words and the consequences of actions;
  • Different ways to get help based on your needs;
  • Support to the readiness to take responsibility;

Individual or group counseling to stop violent behavior 

What don't non-violence counselors offer?

  • Pressuring your partner to stay with you;
  • Excuses for your violent behavior;
  • Support for obtaining custody of children;
  • Support to escape the legal consequences of your violent behavior;
  • Help to change your partner;
  • Couples or family therapy.
Where can I get help to stop violant behaviour?

Non-violence helpline 660 6077

Are you ready for change and to stop your violent behavior?

At the non-violence helpline, we offer free initial counseling if you are concerned about your behavior. Our counselor will listen to you, and together, you can find the next step.

Counseling can be arranged by calling the non-violence helpline at 660 6077 (weekdays 10:00-16:00). If calling is not the option you prefer, write to [email protected]. The main way of counseling is face-to-face meetings and online chats.

Support is available in Estonian, Russian, and English. You can remain anonymous when contacting the helpline.

Supporting non-violence counselors:

Harju County

Roman Krõlov

P. Pinna tn 4, Tallinn (Ida-Harju police station)


[email protected]

Margus Salumets

Rahumäe tee 6/1, Tallinn (Lääne-Harju police station)


[email protected]

Lääne-Viru County and Ida-Viru County

Anna Pivneva

Keskväljak 1, Jõhvi


[email protected]

Tartu County, Jõgeva County, Viljandi County, Valga County, Võru County, Põlva County

Signe Uustal

Pepleri 35, Tartu


[email protected]

Pärnu County, Lääne County, Rapla County, Järva County, Saare County, Hiiu County

Ege Kimmel

A. H. Tammsaare pst 61, Pärnu (Pärnu police station)


[email protected]

Additional information

We cooperate with the European Network for the Work with Perpetrators of Domestic Violence.

Please wait...